The woman said to him, “Sir, you don’t have anything to use to get water, and the well is too deep. So where are you going to get this living water?” ~John 4:11
Lately, I have felt as though my issues are too big, too wide, and too deep. I have searched and searched for ways to get rid of them and even tried to ignore them. All of this was only to realize that what I needed was God. While God can’t get rid of my burdens, he can help me through them. He can teach me how to tackle the toughest situations and help me swallow the toughest pill.
I recently went to the doctor and got some labs done. Ever since I was newly diagnosed with depression we have been trying to get to the bottom of it. We were searching for things that may have thrown off something in my body that could have led to the depression. This was all because I wanted a straight answer for what I was feeling. I wanted to know that there was a physiological reason behind my emotions. Well, last week we went back in to review the labs and she told me that it was looking like I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).
I was immediately devastated. My mom had been sent my labs before we actually went into the doctor and using her slight medical knowledge, she mentioned something about PCOS. Me, of course, being me, did tons of research on it and was paralyzed by the fact that it an cause infertility. From the time I was a child, all I ever wanted was to be a mom. To this day, I have the same dream: having kids of my own.
After mentioning the possibility of PCOS, she talked about making an action plan. I was going to start on a hormone and get scheduled for a sonogram to look for cysts. And if we found cysts then go from there. She also told me not to be discouraged by the possibility of having issues with fertility because we are hopefully going to be able to regulate everything now and set it for later. Unfortunately, my mind was not rest. Even the possibility of not being able to conceive brings a lump to my throat and a weight on my heart.
Yesterday, I went and had a sonogram. The technician put the wand on my stomach for not even 5 seconds and announced that I definitely had PCOS. He said that my ovaries could have come straight from a textbook in the section over PCOS. Pointing out and measuring a couple cysts out of the tons, all I could think about was my dreams slipping out of my fingers.
Last night and this morning, I was completely devastated. I knew that having PCOS doesn’t necessarily mean that I will be infertile and unable to conceive, but I felt like my world was crumbling despite the facts.
I’m sure you can imagine how all I could do after hearing that I do have PCOS was look up to God and ask, “Why? What did I do?” and I did. I was frustrated, discouraged, and sad. All I could think was, “How am I gonna be able to handle this too?” It was just making my problems bigger, wider, and deeper.
However, during this time, I did the one thing I should never do, and that is doubt God’s plans for me. Like the woman with the well, I couldn’t see how God was working. I must learn to trust Him through whatever I am going through, because he does have a plan and I bet it’s a pretty good one too.