The well and me

QUALITY GOODS

The woman said to him, “Sir, you don’t have anything to use to get water, and the well is too deep. So where are you going to get this living water?”    ~John 4:11

Lately, I have felt as though my issues are too big, too wide, and too deep. I have searched and searched for ways to get rid of them and even tried to ignore them. All of this was only to realize that what I needed was God. While God can’t get rid of my burdens, he can help me through them. He can teach me how to tackle the toughest situations and help me swallow the toughest pill.

I recently went to the doctor and got some labs done. Ever since I was newly diagnosed with depression we have been trying to get to the bottom of it. We were searching for things that may have thrown off something in my body that could have led to the depression. This was all because I wanted a straight answer for what I was feeling. I wanted to know that there was a physiological reason behind my emotions. Well, last week we went back in to review the labs and she told me that it was looking like I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).

I was immediately devastated. My mom had been sent my labs before we actually went into the doctor and using her slight medical knowledge, she mentioned something about PCOS. Me, of course, being me, did tons of research on it and was paralyzed by the fact that it an cause infertility. From the time I was a child, all I ever wanted was to be a mom. To this day, I have the same dream: having kids of my own.

After mentioning the possibility of PCOS, she talked about making an action plan. I was going to start on a hormone and get scheduled for a sonogram to look for cysts. And if we found cysts then go from there. She also told me not to be discouraged by the possibility of having issues with fertility because we are hopefully going to be able to regulate everything now and set it for later. Unfortunately, my mind was not rest. Even the possibility of not being able to conceive brings a lump to my throat and a weight on my heart.

Yesterday, I went and had a sonogram. The technician put the wand on my stomach for not even 5 seconds and announced that I definitely had PCOS. He said that my ovaries could have come straight from a textbook in the section over PCOS. Pointing out and measuring a couple cysts out of the tons, all I could think about was my dreams slipping out of my fingers.

Last night and this morning, I was completely devastated. I knew that having PCOS doesn’t necessarily mean that I will be infertile and unable to conceive, but I felt like my world was crumbling despite the facts.

I’m sure you can imagine how all I could do after hearing that I do have PCOS was look up to God and ask, “Why? What did I do?” and I did. I was frustrated, discouraged, and sad. All I could think was, “How am I gonna be able to handle this too?” It was just making my problems bigger, wider, and deeper.

However, during this time, I did the one thing I should never do, and that is doubt God’s plans for me. Like the woman with the well, I couldn’t see how God was working. I must learn to trust Him through whatever I am going through, because he does have a plan and I bet it’s a pretty good one too.

 

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Fear of the loss

 

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As everyone knows, I have never had a boyfriend, but I have always had a best friend. Her name is Moira and I met her in the 5th grade and in the 8th grade, we became best friends. The kind of best friends where when someone sees me, they think of her. People would always joke that we were too busy dating each other to date anyone else because neither of us ever had boyfriends. Well a little over a month ago, she got a boyfriend and I had never been so proud. Her and this cute boy (who she had a crush on for a while) were so adorable at a little halloween party that it led to him asking her to be his girlfriend. After I left, she texted me saying that they were dating, so I hopped in my car and sped to her house down the street from mine and ran in the door and said, “tell me everything”.

The night that she got everything, I felt like I lost something. I would try for the next day or so to plaster on a huge smile and be so excited for her, but inside I was just crying. Not out of jealousy, not out of anger, but out of sadness. Sadness because it was the end of an era. Me and Moira were always the fun, single best friends. We were the same person in two separate bodies. I mean, there was a part of me was jealous that she had a boy and I have never even been close, but losing her was my worst fear.

Moira’s sister is has been in a longterm relationship for like 3 years now. Her and her boyfriend are probably the cutest couple ever. But what scares me the most is that they aren’t just a couple, they are best friends. I am scared that the best friend role I posses will be replaced with Moira’s boyfriend.

Now, this is where it gets hard. Moira is a very hard working, considerate person. She likes to please everyone. She has been trying so hard to balance out time with her friends and time with her boyfriend and on top of it all she’s trying to remain one of the top students in our class. I believe this is taking a strain on her. But it’s also taking a strain on me. As everyone knows, my biggest fear is being a burden on people I love. And recently I’ve really needed my best friend to reach out to me and offer help. The problem here is that Moira doesn’t like to talk about my issues because they scare her. And what scares me is asking for help. That equation is not working out too well for us right now.

I know this all seems so trivial, but I feel like I am losing my best friend/sister/everything. It’s really hurting my heart to sit here and watch it happen, so I’ve decided to just not let it happen. I not going to give up, but rather, I’m going to stand up. I am going to face all these issues (which scares me more than anything)

My journey with Faith

Journey

I was born in a suburb outside of Chicago and raised there until I was 5. There, we had a Lutheran Church that we attended almost every Sunday. When we moved to Texas we never quite “settled in” with God. There were always reasons (or possibly more accurate, excuses) why we didn’t go to church and worship. Talking with my mom we both agree that we wished we would have put in more effort to find the right church and gave more time to our God. However, there is no time or technology to change the past, so we must be content with the present and form our future. One of my missions for this blog is to reconnect with God. I want to learn about Him. I want to practice worship in His name. I want to better myself through Him.

However, nothing is ever without reason, so you may be wondering, What is her reasoning behind suddenly wanting to revitalize her relationship with God? So here’s my answer: I spent a lot of time wondering why God gave me what I was given. I wanted to know why he didn’t give me a perfect body. I wanted to know why he didn’t give me the ability to gracefully talk to anyone and be sociable. I wanted to know why he gave me a syndrome that possibly takes away my one true dream in life. I wanted to know why he presented me with a disorder that left me afraid of myself. But last night I realized how tired I was of wondering why and feeling unblessed. I was shaded by my self pity for so long I had become blinded from what truly mattered. And what mattered was the fact that God has a plan and that this craziness is somehow a hidden blessing. All this mayhem is right on track. My goal is to remember this throughout my journey. So this is where I begin EXPLORING GOD

Get to know me

MyLifeRightNow

This is definitely the most difficult time of my life (so far, at least). I am constantly juggling school, extracurricular activities, and my mental sanity. I am on my high school dance team and I was elected President April 2015. I absolutely love being president, even though it is very difficult and stressful at times. I have amazing friends. Drama is minimal, but can get a little crazy at times. I am single and hating almost every bit of it. I’ve never been on a date or kissed anyone, I guess you could say I’m winning at “Never have I ever”. I am pretty shy, however, that doesn’t last very long. I am also a part of a charity league with my mom and National Honor Society. I also decided to join the Psychology Club because why not? I have two adorable little dogs. My dad and I get along great, we are very silly around each other and love spending time with him. My mom and I get along fairly well. We have good moments and bad moments. This year has been very difficult in that I am dealing with something much bigger than I ever thought. I have dealt with depression and anxiety for a long time, but it has gotten worse over the past year or so. It got so bad in the April of 2015 that it put me in the hospital and then a psychiatric hospital. Right now there is no happy ending, only hope that there will be one. The hardest part is wanting help, but feeling like you are a burden to those around you. Now, don’t start feeling sorry for me, because I am chugging along just like the other billions of people with the same exact thing going in. And that’s my life right now.