“I can’t just press pause, get fixed, and then start where I left off. And it’s unbelievably frustrating”
This is something I found written on a piece of ripped out journal paper. I must have written it on one of my bad nights last spring. This was one of the things that I found extremely hard. I wanted so badly to “get fixed” but my world was spinning so fast that I felt as though I couldn’t.
First of all, now I realize that I couldn’t be nor can I be “fixed”. Depression is like my little buddy, it will walk with me wherever I go, forever. I can only find ways to calm it and cope with it.
This point in my life was extremely difficult. The bad days were more common than the good. I was so tired and frustrated from the months of trying to become “happier”. But let me just say, coming out of your deepest depression is like trying to rock climb with no pegs, it’s possible, but extremely difficult and takes a lot of strength. In fact, being at the point that I am with my mental health is one of the hardest things I have ever achieved. While I’m only halfway to the point where I want to be, I believe that I have gotten past the most difficult part. The most difficult part is picking up the pieces of you that have been ripped away from you by the depression like energy, motivation, and inspiration.
So I guess this post is me being proud of where I am and me being ready to continue fighting. It is also me understanding the fact that I can’t be “fixed” for this is who I am. While my depression doesn’t define me, it is a part of me, a part of me that is eventually going to be under complete control.