Last night one of my best friends asked me about my blog and why I hadn’t written in a long time, also mentioning that she still goes and checks it. Honestly, I wasn’t initially sure why I stopped writing, but today I realized why. I also realized how deep her comment went.
Today was my first bad day in a long, long time. Having calmed down now, I can see a few logical reasons for the icky emotions, including a lack of certain medication (as in I forgot to take them), stress, and anxiety. However, the rough day allowed me to understand that I stopped writing as soon as things started looking up for me. After getting discharged from the hospital, starting a relaxing summer, and enjoying life my need to constantly look inward upon myself seized. This was unfortunate because this lack of personal awareness built up within me tumbled down today. Feelings of sadness, anger, disappointment, etc, etc rushed through me with no thorough understanding and it sucked.
I started reminiscing upon days, hours, minutes, moments that still haunt me.
Days, hours, minutes, moments that scare me so deeply I can often go weak or find myself in utter panic.
The days where my head was dictated by numbing emotions.
The hours where I did nothing but cry.
The minutes where I had to swat sinister thoughts like flies.
And the moments where I felt completely hopeless.
Through all this thinking, I was lifted by the simple comment of one of my best friends saying that she still checked my blog. Even in the best of times, she still checked to see if I was doing okay under my happy facade. A simple act of silent kindness brought to light. I don’t know how to thank her for that because it impacted me more than she will ever know. So, I hope she reads this and can understand how much her care and compassion means to me. And I hope that I can continue to write, even when things feel fine.